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Feelings, Improvement, My Thoughts, Uncertainty

Don’t Lose You

You make excuses for not talking to yourself about the issue. Maybe, later.

Yes, later, when all these things all calm the hell down. And whew, I guess I finally will have that chat with myself. Then… Noo…. Hell broke loose again! Another whole roller coaster started! Geez, what is the status of self now? I didn’t get to catch up with myself until this other whole new situation! Where am I even headed now?

Boom!… You fell, down, on your face, flat. You looked over your shoulder, no one pushed you, you tripped over nothing… Clampsy again, so nervous over nothing, maybe something, you are scared of losing the very thing you want so much. But wait, aren’t you scared of losing yourself yet?

Then it gets worse. You heard positive thoughts would make it go away. But hell, how can I think that while grenade it headed for me and I don’t have any direction and don’t know which direction I should be on…

Then people throw things at you, make up stories about you, the love of your life betrays you, your family do not understand your phase and reject you, your grades keep going down, you don’t seem to understand anything, you’re losing it!

Emotions well up, you have tried to be a good friend, a good lover, a good child, but you are going through too much to keep up. Hell, you are NOT ok. And no one seem to get that.

Is it a crime to be NOT OK? Who defined that anyway? Great, now you have lost it. Needing something to numb the emotional eruption, you get hooked up with coke and weed. Now a total outcast. YOU ARE NOT OK!

Maybe, it’s time to have that talk. Because, it’s not about the things happening to you and around you. It’s not about questioning why there should be life and considering taking your life. You haven’t found the position of yourself in all these situation.

You haven’t changed. Your character you developed hasn’t changed, you have just stopped looking at your direction. Who told you it’s not ok if you are not ok? Everyone else is pretending!

It’s ok now, so what, if you are not ok? Don’t lose that lovely self because of all the bullshit! That’s right, there’s a reason why it’s called bullshit.

Darling, it’s time to have that talk with yourself, then start dreaming again.

Feelings, Love, My Thoughts, Warmth

When a Woman Loves a Man

You might have heard about Westlife’s “When a Woman Loves a Man” and what they said is true, because no specie want to be held and heard and honored and respected and cherished and valued by that someone more than a woman but will lay her very soul down when she loves truly.

To me, it’s more than that.

To me, a woman loves a man when his strengths are more important than his weaknesses.

I must say, your boldness is beyond measure, how is it that, it gets to me too easily? Being active, attentive assertive, courteous, decent and caring seem to out of norm as men of our age like to boast in how they disrespected their wives and how that makes them “men”. Who trained you?, I keep asking.

Your bravery, discipline, elegance, genuity, calmness, confidence, business acumen, determination and brilliance is but a few reasons why I have such high confidence in you. I have no doubt that you will make it!

It’s amazing how people judged you because of your handsomeness (which is weird), because the first time I saw you, I thought you were to die for! And it’s no wonder how you are impressive, intelligent, interesting, always likeable, logical and fair and considerate… traits that are rarely found all in one piece in a man!

And oh!, you are so charming! One would be delighted to be under your spell.

I would tell you over and over again how much I love how you walk and how you handle yourself because I find it manly and masculine; and when you add that smile on your well-built body… M!

You are so pleasant and polite to your fellows even though you are so popular, haha… Need I underestimate you resilience and spontaneity (well so far as it doesn’t hurt anyone..)?

How can a man be so loving and romantic, sentimental, thoughtful, tender, warm and doing all these in the most sincerest way that has been mastered?, yet do it subtle enough to not freak both out.

Such a peaceable man who is perceptive and passionate, protective and loyal, who can find?

So to me, when a woman loves a man, she recognizes all that he is, his strengths and all that he’s not (his weaknesses), he’ll do away with.

I recognize everything. And I am glad I know them.

Feelings, Love, My Thoughts

Jealous

I’m JEALOUS! I know I don’t have any reason to, but I am, and I don’t even know why I am, or why should be, or if I have the right to be – maybe, I do.

Why should I get jealous, maybe it was too soon to tell me about your lovely ex, whom I think should be with you. And I feel terrible because, I wasn’t the one to give you that thrill. I could do better! Now, I feel I have to live to her, but I’m not the same as her and I love different than her, so yes, I am JEALOUS.

How you won her, how she loved you so much so, that she became “mental” the first time you broke off… That’s some pretty shit over there. I still can’t get my brains around the fact that you two cannot marry. And I feel like I am with someone who is already in love with another person. Same old story, all over again!

I love all that you are, and that makes me JEALOUS of the fact that, she got to enjoy that first. Just because, I want all the juice of oh-so-sweet love and care and want that you give all to myself. It’s like, I’ve found my everlasting treasure of love and I don’t want to think that it belongs to someone else, after such a long time of digging and searching.

So, love, would you be just mine? Because I cannot deal with this whole jealousy shit.

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QUESTIONS ?

Like Asa, I still have a lot of questions that aren’t answered. Or do I say, cannot be answered.

1. What really is Love?

2. Why do males have to look so hard?

3. Why should males take all the responsibilities?

4. Why are people who need love most unloved?

5. How is it that 99% of the population average and poor?

6. Does Love exist, or it’s just a state of the mind?

7. Who can find in someone his/her endless love?

8. 

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But I am so Afraid

I’ve been thrown into darkness, left to feed on my own love and maybe make light out of it. Thrown in the corner to be shamed, be the laughing stock to my enemies who earnestly look on, laughing and scorning at me. Thrown in the corner, like I am nothing.

Everyone’s against me, those I trusted doubted me and believed the enemy over me. The one I loved, made me the second one next to nothing. Yet, I gave my all. I cried while I gave my all, I bit my tongue while I gave my all, because, it was who I am. Throwing me and my blood away, like I was nothing.

Then came a rush… aahh… What should I say it is? A thirst to my hunger? Being in a cold dark place, not appreciated, not even seen, he opens the door, and it looks like he’s never seen anything so amazing! I wondered why… No one cared about me, to even think of my worth… Why do you care? And why the hell are you so handsome! This could be the one.

Oh, no Princess, someone threw you here before, you can’t just go hugging him. But,

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Let’s Love, Love

I know it’s scary, scarier than we’d admit. You and I, we’ve been through pretty messy, ugly, unfortunate relationships.

We trusted, we loved truly, we gave in our all, we didn’t settle for less, we are love itself… But why weren’t we appreciated? Why didn’t the other person see our true true heart, our pure love, unadulterated love! Noo…. This isn’t what we signed up for, because guess what, when you love, you want same in return if not at the level, at least at a level that is catching up…

Then we got scared. Promised through the teeth to never give anyone the opportunity to see that oh-so-treasured love!

But we met each other, well, at our transition zone. Wondering whether we should even start loving the way we would feel comfortable. But we both know that we deserve each other, and we deserve to give each other that treasured love.

And then the “what ifs” set in. What if we are not able to work out? What if this relationship becomes a wreck? But these questions are meaningless because we know without a doubt that we found ourselves, and it a keep that won’t go bad.

So, love, we need to love again. Can’t you see that the love you are not willing to share for the fear of loosing yourself is strangling you no more than you knowing that I deserve that love? Can’t you feel the distress you go through because you know you are overworking yourself and that you know that you need to give out that love because you do understand that I deserve it?

Let’s love, love, it’s all ok! You are home now… You are free to love all the love in the world and not for a single day would you be a fool for expressing it.

Come on… Let’s love, love.

Feelings, Love, My Thoughts, Warmth

There He Stands

What was it like though? *Chuckle* Gotcha. The first question flied right out of my mouth! What I meant to say was, “You are freaking handsome! Who made you? How dare you look like this when I was struggling? You should ask me out. But I would totally turn you down. First, because I am in such a shitty place right now and second, because you are awesomely handsome! Again, WHO MADE YOU?!” But instead, “Oh hey, are you new?” Haha, I am a chicken, I know.

Then finally! But how does he just say it out loud for everyone to hear?… Hey!, it’s supposed to be our little secret, well, my little secret. I guess, we both were feeling the same way? How weird. Never happened to me before, or maybe, yet again, he’s kidding, just want to play with my feelings, again.

But I would never forget our first everything. First time we met, first time we chatted, first time we kissed, first time I wrote about you, first time we made love, and maybe, I am getting ahead of myself but, I hope we be together for a very long time.

You relax me, you make me smile too much, you make me dream so many impossible things, you make me feel relevant and maybe this time, my efforts won’t be in vain. And I hope my efforts are appreciated and noticed.

It’s your birthday today! I am too excited about it, and I’m sure you even forgot about it. You are totally worth it. I am sorry I cannot be with you but I will make it up to you. Too many things are happening this week, but I will definitely make it up to you.

Happy birthday, Sunshine!