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Feelings, Uncategorized, Uncertainty

See me

Who would see me?
You know what I mean
Not just look are me,
But see me.

See me as I am
Afraid
Afraid of not being loved
Afraid of betrayal
Afraid of losing it all

I mean, I have lost interest in life
Like what my purpose is
Like aspiring to be the best me
Like wanting something

I thought ‘finding love’ would do
But it doesn’t do the trick
So I wonder if I am truly in love
Or the love I found isn’t inspiring me enough

It won’t be bad that someone see me
Sees how I am struggling
And makes me feel its alright
Who is able to calm me down innately

See me

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Breaking News, Feelings, Love, My Thoughts, Uncategorized, Warmth

Once Upon a Time Unloved

I remember clearly, and feel it vividly, what it means to be unloved.

Y’all don’t have a clue. Well, maybe you do. Maybe yours was worst. But I can only speak for myself.

I was unloved, even while in the womb. The need to get rid of me was heightened. How I was given birth to, I still question that. Because, you see, why should I be born if I was going to be unloved anyway?

Over and over and over again, I’ll ask why did I allow myself to fall in love? Such a fool! You should go back to your High School days. You cared nothing for boys or love and it were such a burden-free days.

From being called a whore, to being neglected, to being side chick and then to being a side-almost-baby-mama. Whew! That was some ride I would never miss!

Alas! You! Oh!, Glorious you! So gorgeous. I got so used to being afraid of everything that it had clouded every judgement of you, refusing to give you the benefit of the doubt. Because, what if you actually take me for granted? And I was so oblivious of the signs as I was before?

I promised myself never to overlook because, it gave me the grievous heartbreak ever! No, I won’t allow myself to go through that. I will not allow myself to be a victim. No.

You see, I am just looking out for myself, because I know how much I can love and how freely I can give. I guess you are same, just I am more afraid, and you are simply fearless.

Once upon a time, I was unloved.

Once upon a time, I truly feel free to love!

 

 

Feelings, Improvement, My Thoughts, Uncertainty

Don’t Lose You

You make excuses for not talking to yourself about the issue. Maybe, later.

Yes, later, when all these things all calm the hell down. And whew, I guess I finally will have that chat with myself. Then… Noo…. Hell broke loose again! Another whole roller coaster started! Geez, what is the status of self now? I didn’t get to catch up with myself until this other whole new situation! Where am I even headed now?

Boom!… You fell, down, on your face, flat. You looked over your shoulder, no one pushed you, you tripped over nothing… Clampsy again, so nervous over nothing, maybe something, you are scared of losing the very thing you want so much. But wait, aren’t you scared of losing yourself yet?

Then it gets worse. You heard positive thoughts would make it go away. But hell, how can I think that while grenade it headed for me and I don’t have any direction and don’t know which direction I should be on…

Then people throw things at you, make up stories about you, the love of your life betrays you, your family do not understand your phase and reject you, your grades keep going down, you don’t seem to understand anything, you’re losing it!

Emotions well up, you have tried to be a good friend, a good lover, a good child, but you are going through too much to keep up. Hell, you are NOT ok. And no one seem to get that.

Is it a crime to be NOT OK? Who defined that anyway? Great, now you have lost it. Needing something to numb the emotional eruption, you get hooked up with coke and weed. Now a total outcast. YOU ARE NOT OK!

Maybe, it’s time to have that talk. Because, it’s not about the things happening to you and around you. It’s not about questioning why there should be life and considering taking your life. You haven’t found the position of yourself in all these situation.

You haven’t changed. Your character you developed hasn’t changed, you have just stopped looking at your direction. Who told you it’s not ok if you are not ok? Everyone else is pretending!

It’s ok now, so what, if you are not ok? Don’t lose that lovely self because of all the bullshit! That’s right, there’s a reason why it’s called bullshit.

Darling, it’s time to have that talk with yourself, then start dreaming again.

Feelings, Love, My Thoughts, Warmth

When a Woman Loves a Man

You might have heard about Westlife’s “When a Woman Loves a Man” and what they said is true, because no specie want to be held and heard and honored and respected and cherished and valued by that someone more than a woman but will lay her very soul down when she loves truly.

To me, it’s more than that.

To me, a woman loves a man when his strengths are more important than his weaknesses.

I must say, your boldness is beyond measure, how is it that, it gets to me too easily? Being active, attentive assertive, courteous, decent and caring seem to out of norm as men of our age like to boast in how they disrespected their wives and how that makes them “men”. Who trained you?, I keep asking.

Your bravery, discipline, elegance, genuity, calmness, confidence, business acumen, determination and brilliance is but a few reasons why I have such high confidence in you. I have no doubt that you will make it!

It’s amazing how people judged you because of your handsomeness (which is weird), because the first time I saw you, I thought you were to die for! And it’s no wonder how you are impressive, intelligent, interesting, always likeable, logical and fair and considerate… traits that are rarely found all in one piece in a man!

And oh!, you are so charming! One would be delighted to be under your spell.

I would tell you over and over again how much I love how you walk and how you handle yourself because I find it manly and masculine; and when you add that smile on your well-built body… M!

You are so pleasant and polite to your fellows even though you are so popular, haha… Need I underestimate you resilience and spontaneity (well so far as it doesn’t hurt anyone..)?

How can a man be so loving and romantic, sentimental, thoughtful, tender, warm and doing all these in the most sincerest way that has been mastered?, yet do it subtle enough to not freak both out.

Such a peaceable man who is perceptive and passionate, protective and loyal, who can find?

So to me, when a woman loves a man, she recognizes all that he is, his strengths and all that he’s not (his weaknesses), he’ll do away with.

I recognize everything. And I am glad I know them.

Feelings, Love, My Thoughts

Jealous

I’m JEALOUS! I know I don’t have any reason to, but I am, and I don’t even know why I am, or why should be, or if I have the right to be – maybe, I do.

Why should I get jealous, maybe it was too soon to tell me about your lovely ex, whom I think should be with you. And I feel terrible because, I wasn’t the one to give you that thrill. I could do better! Now, I feel I have to live to her, but I’m not the same as her and I love different than her, so yes, I am JEALOUS.

How you won her, how she loved you so much so, that she became “mental” the first time you broke off… That’s some pretty shit over there. I still can’t get my brains around the fact that you two cannot marry. And I feel like I am with someone who is already in love with another person. Same old story, all over again!

I love all that you are, and that makes me JEALOUS of the fact that, she got to enjoy that first. Just because, I want all the juice of oh-so-sweet love and care and want that you give all to myself. It’s like, I’ve found my everlasting treasure of love and I don’t want to think that it belongs to someone else, after such a long time of digging and searching.

So, love, would you be just mine? Because I cannot deal with this whole jealousy shit.

Uncategorized

QUESTIONS ?

Like Asa, I still have a lot of questions that aren’t answered. Or do I say, cannot be answered.

1. What really is Love?

2. Why do males have to look so hard?

3. Why should males take all the responsibilities?

4. Why are people who need love most unloved?

5. How is it that 99% of the population average and poor?

6. Does Love exist, or it’s just a state of the mind?

7. Who can find in someone his/her endless love?

8. 

Uncategorized

But I am so Afraid

I’ve been thrown into darkness, left to feed on my own love and maybe make light out of it. Thrown in the corner to be shamed, be the laughing stock to my enemies who earnestly look on, laughing and scorning at me. Thrown in the corner, like I am nothing.

Everyone’s against me, those I trusted doubted me and believed the enemy over me. The one I loved, made me the second one next to nothing. Yet, I gave my all. I cried while I gave my all, I bit my tongue while I gave my all, because, it was who I am. Throwing me and my blood away, like I was nothing.

Then came a rush… aahh… What should I say it is? A thirst to my hunger? Being in a cold dark place, not appreciated, not even seen, he opens the door, and it looks like he’s never seen anything so amazing! I wondered why… No one cared about me, to even think of my worth… Why do you care? And why the hell are you so handsome! This could be the one.

Oh, no Princess, someone threw you here before, you can’t just go hugging him. But,