You make excuses for not talking to yourself about the issue. Maybe, later.
Yes, later, when all these things all calm the hell down. And whew, I guess I finally will have that chat with myself. Then… Noo…. Hell broke loose again! Another whole roller coaster started! Geez, what is the status of self now? I didn’t get to catch up with myself until this other whole new situation! Where am I even headed now?
Boom!… You fell, down, on your face, flat. You looked over your shoulder, no one pushed you, you tripped over nothing… Clampsy again, so nervous over nothing, maybe something, you are scared of losing the very thing you want so much. But wait, aren’t you scared of losing yourself yet?
Then it gets worse. You heard positive thoughts would make it go away. But hell, how can I think that while grenade it headed for me and I don’t have any direction and don’t know which direction I should be on…
Then people throw things at you, make up stories about you, the love of your life betrays you, your family do not understand your phase and reject you, your grades keep going down, you don’t seem to understand anything, you’re losing it!
Emotions well up, you have tried to be a good friend, a good lover, a good child, but you are going through too much to keep up. Hell, you are NOT ok. And no one seem to get that.
Is it a crime to be NOT OK? Who defined that anyway? Great, now you have lost it. Needing something to numb the emotional eruption, you get hooked up with coke and weed. Now a total outcast. YOU ARE NOT OK!
Maybe, it’s time to have that talk. Because, it’s not about the things happening to you and around you. It’s not about questioning why there should be life and considering taking your life. You haven’t found the position of yourself in all these situation.
You haven’t changed. Your character you developed hasn’t changed, you have just stopped looking at your direction. Who told you it’s not ok if you are not ok? Everyone else is pretending!
It’s ok now, so what, if you are not ok? Don’t lose that lovely self because of all the bullshit! That’s right, there’s a reason why it’s called bullshit.
Darling, it’s time to have that talk with yourself, then start dreaming again.