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Unpregnant

Breasts tender, emotions heightened, body changing… O you are pregnant.
He was quiet, you were quiet and thinking, “What does this mean exactly?” It’s your first and you are not married.

And there is another girl he loves too. He can’t tell her that… So he would have to stress you out. And you are thinking, this guy is showing more signs of pregnancy than I am. Playing the blaming game. You don’t understand why he would do that. You just wish he would tell you the truth so you won’t stress so much.

You feel alone, in a cold, dark hell. Who would save me? I have no where to go except my father’s. But he would be so angry I might not even take it too. I can’t tell my best friend, she’s so Christian. I can’t go to church, or work or see my friends. He rejects me and says all sort of bad things to me.

I feel scared. What will I do with the baby. Well he claims he’ll look after the baby but he treats me differently. How can I trust that. I can’t let my child grow up always seeing the other woman. It’s not healthy for him! I felt so scared, I think the baby also felt scared. I feel my abdomen clutch as if it needed a hug. Oh… what wrong baby? I love you. Don’t be scared. Your mum will figure it out.

But she couldn’t. She thought of abortion. But didn’t have any intention of actually doing it. So she prayed, “Dear God, I don’t know what it means to be pregnant. And for a man who makes me feel so scared and alone. If You think I can take it, please help me. If not, let me loose it naturally.”

She was advised not to stress or think about anything. Well how could she? Huh!? When all she hears and see is negative and sad and scary and cold?! Why would this happen to her? Really, she asking him to choose between her and the other one, did it require a punishment of killing her or the baby? If you have chosen her, does that mean you need to be mean to me and the baby? So should she trust that you will look after the baby, when you won’t even go the hospital with her when she started bleeding? Instead, he would be on the phone with the other girl.

Well, you will never know how hard it was to miscarry because you were never there. “Does she know I am pregnant?” “No, you asked me not to tell her.” Funny that! It so happens that the day we found out I miscarried, you run to her arms… You couldn’t even console me that day. Did this child mean anything to you?

Back to the blaming game. It is now my fault I was stressing because I was told not to stress. Well, can I not be sick when I am sick?
It is now my fault to consider abortion. It is my fault to cry and feel scared. It is my fault to feel anything hurt.

Then, will it be my fault to have fallen for you? My fault I got pregnant? My fault that I even exist?

But I am un-pregnant now. Then wouldn’t it be great to go solo with your fierce love? Why do you still want to be around me? O? What is in the heart of men!? You want me too? *Confused* What do you want me too as? And what does that even mean?!

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