As she screams out in the bathroom, although no one could hear her, she curse what she called love – romantic love for this matter. She had wanted to know what real love is and she had set out to find it. But every day since that quest, she cursed and cursed through her teeth. Why did she have to take this road? Why did she have to take this road? Is it not said that Love is the Greatest thing? Why did she decide to have this feeling anyway? Why did she allow it to grow? WHY??!!!? She screamed in her mind.
Being uncertain about what the other party must be thinking, she hoped that soon enough, her feeling would be free to show.
But instead, she is insulted for what she felt – although she forgives these insults – she thought they might be true and is worth considering. But, is she that bad? Is her love that worthless? Is she unpleasant? Oh!, that felt really heavy!
Then hope became an enemy, A surprising discovery. All her life she thought if you could hope, you could believe and then it would happen. But now, she hates the hope she had in her love.
This didn’t make sense to her at all.
And then came a thought: “if I could devise something – like wage a war – against my love, surely, this would go away”. Meanwhile, the other party keeps saying something and act differently. To her, she sorts to keep what was said than done, although it is said that action speaks louder.
And so, she waged war. And the strategy was to LIE! She lied to herself every single day to every second of the day.
She lied … that she wasn’t attractive enough, that she wasn’t beautiful enough, that she wasn’t just enough, she wasn’t smart enough, that her feeling was stupid, that she was never going to be loved back, that she didn’t fit the description of the other party’s idea of a wife, that she was a thing of the present an would be useless in the future.
But wooo… she had always thought lying was easy, especially to yourself. But oh!, it was heavy!
Sad thing is, she might not be able to love again if she wins this war… because she wouldn’t allow herself.
Romantic love is certainly not worth it, because, she isn’t worth it.